Monday, July 29, 2013

Life Gripe: My Life is a Struggle Sometimes

Okay, I am really digging deep and opening myself up here.  Life, sometimes it's just so bland and boring.  But I do know I'm fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table.  And I try to always keep that in mind, but sometimes, I just get so bored, lonely and discouraged.

I only work occasional part-time outside the home because I get Social Security Disability and have a very limited income.  And then I have to deal with the issues of why I'm on disability.  I do have three online ventures that I enjoy working with, and while they make some income, they're not bringing in enough money right now.  One of my ventures, InCareRx has great income potential, but it takes some time to establish. 

I've lived in Roanoke, Virginia for 5 years now and still don't have any close friends.  I have a few acquaintances but no close friends.  At least none to spend time with, go places and do things.  At the same time, I can't really afford to do much.  My vehicle needs more work, so I don't travel anywhere outside of Roanoke.  I don't get to go see my family back home or go on any trips.  Sadly, I've put close to $1000 into my jeep so far, and it still needs about $700-$900 more probably.  It's drivable, but who knows how long that will last.  And I have a hard time going outside the home, anxiety issues sometimes. 

Sometimes, I feel so lost, lonely and empty.  My husband works night shift Monday through Friday, then has his kids on Saturdays, then it's back to work on Sunday night, so we don't really get to do much.  Besides, my hubby is a total homebody.  When he's off work, he rarely moves from his computer chair.  So hubby is not exactly inspirational or motivational to me at all.  Don't get me wrong, I do love him.  But that's one reason I am the way I am now too.  I use to have so many active people around me.  Always doing things, always on the go.  No more. 

I spend most of my days here at home, more or less isolated.  The extent of my life outside the home is occasional part time work about once or twice a month.  I have trips to the bank, gas station, grocery store and post office.  Outside of those things, there's basically nothing.  I do walk my dog 3/4 a mile almost everyday.   She's the only joy I have.  I love her so much.  She keeps me sane.

I've gained about 45 pounds since I married and moved here almost 5 years ago.  I even tried a running program last fall, but half way through the program I ended up with an ankle stress fracture and had to quit.  I was out of doing anything for about six months.  Then there's the problem with severe fatigue that I deal with now.  So discouraging and disappointing.  It seems I always get roadblocks whenever I do try something. 

Hobbies and interests?  Basically none.  Once in a while, when I get in the mood, I like to read a good book.  And I take my daily walks with Matte.  I watch my favorite shows on television which is what I spend most of my time doing, besides being online.  There's cooking, but I don't really enjoy cooking.  I do it because I have to.  I have flower beds that I love and try to maintain, but I'm not a fan of gardening or weeding them out.  I'm not very creative, so I don't do any kind of arts or crafts.  And I can't afford to do much, let alone outside the home. And on top of it all, I have a huge severe fatigue problem I struggle with.  So I just feel kind of stuck in a big rut. 

Once upon a time, I use to be so active.  In my younger days actually.  I had more money and energy, I wasn't as fatigued and also had friends and family.  We use to go on trips all the time to the beach, the smoky mountains, Atlantic City, NJ, Carowinds, Kings Dominion, dancing, races, festivals.  Then there were cookouts, family visits, trips to the mall or the movies, dining out, etc., etc.  But now, I've lost both of my parents.  I even use to be a big fitness fanatic and worked out 4-6 days a week.  

It's so hard to believe I am that same person I was back then.  Things have gotten progressively worse since I turned 40.  I'm now 48, so the last 8 years or so have been a struggle.  Most everything that was exciting about my life has gone away since those days. 

So often, I find myself wondering what it would be like if things were different.  If I didn't face all the problems and issues I have in my life now.  To me, they are huge hurdles.  I have so many different road blocks and barriers I don't know how to break through them or deal with them.  And I have no one to help me, push me, to lean on or to confide in.   I have nothing to look forward to in life.  The only way I get through it, is I just try to deal with life one day at time.  That and my little dog Matte who brings me joy and is with me day in and day out, right by my side. 

I never thought I would end up the person I am today.  I use to always say, I would never let myself get old, fat and find myself sitting home alone in a rocking chair, but that's pretty much how it is, except my rocking chair is the couch.   I don't know what my future holds.  As of now, it looks to hold nothing.  I just try not to think about it or dwell on it, although it's hard sometimes.  I've been here for 5 years and nothing has changed or improved. 

I just keep praying to God everyday that things will change for the better, that he hasn't forgotten me or forsaken me.  God has a plan for me, I just have to be patient.  He will lead my path to better things yet to come.  And that he will bring the right people into my life at the right time.

Today's Life Quote:

Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

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